Oystersaurus? Thesoband?

No, it's CHOPPER'S OYSTER THESAURUS

(an everyday glossary of touring vernacular)

A BAD CRISP (n): the only possible explanation of why you feel so rough this morning AWAY WIN (n) : unexpectedly good gig in a place no one in the band has ever heard of

BEAR (n): large unknown youth of North European origin who sits in the corner at dressing-room parties and silently drinks just everything

BLAG (vb): to use charm, charisma and/or sheer brazen cheek to get what you want without paying for it

BOOK OF LIES (n): tour itinerary, supplied by the agent to let the band and crew know exactly what will happen each day, when, where, etc

CLUSTER**** (n) : what too many cooks make with broth; what too many musicians make with a temperamental synthesiser

CONGLETON (n): dressing-room argument embarked on purely to pass the time

CONKER (n): unit of any currency; used when you can't remember which country you're in, or what your name is

CURFEW (n): the time at which the house crew (qv) want to stop work and skin up

FANNY FACTOR (n): why everything takes longer than you think it will; the amount of extra time that has to be allowed just to get everyone on board the band bus. See also: phaff

(GOOD) CATCHMENT AREA (n): what a venue in the middle of nowhere has, when an agent is persuading the band it should play there

HOUSE CREW (n): collective term for victims and misfits who populate the gig but don't pay to get in

KING BLAG (n): John L Jones, Esq

MISSIONARY WORK (n): gig where none of the 6 people in the audience has ever heard of the band before

PHAFF (vb): to dither; to spend an inordinate amount of time doing virtually nothing. As in: "We phaffed in front of 12 people", a grafitto from the dressing-room wall of Die Rohre, Stuttgart (true)

PRIMA DONNA (n): term used by promoter to describe a musician who asks for the stage lights to be turned on during a concert

RIDER (n): all the food and drink the band needs, and some it doesn't

SAFE HOUSE (n): property owned by very very very tolerant friend or fan of the band

SWAG (UP) (vb): to bribe someone (probably the house crew, qv) with free T-shirts, glass beads etc

WAFTY (adj): see: wifty

WIFTY (adj): see: wafty

(Further entries for the Oysterbandothaurus would be gratefully received.....)